When I Realized it Was Over

I was 25 and one the verge of a nervous breakdown. I can't remember exactly if it was October or November when I had the epiphany, as it was almost 3 and 1/2 years ago now. I was very unhappy and had gained a lot of weight. Yes, I was in financial ruin (A story which I will expound upon in the future), but that wasn't the answer to my depression...there was something more...
I thought I was loosing my mind. Here I was a college graduate with a Degree in Biology and I felt as if though reality was slipping away from me. The source of my assumption that I was going crazy was...my inner voice...every morning. There was a question that was a regular part of my morning routine; however, not prompted by any one action or point in time. I guess you could say, it would just pop up. The question was, "What is it that I want?" Okay. I know what you're thinking - What a selfish question? .... Well, if you weren't, I was. This question popped into my head every morning for nearly a year, then one day (either Oct or Nov as I have established), I answered it:

"I don't want him anymore."

I think I remember standing there with the blood rushing to my head. The feeling wasn't one of excitement but of fear and shame. I didn't want to be with my husband anymore. My epiphany was just that: a moment of clarity. I don't remember the day exactly, what I did or how it panned out, but I do know that it took several days to figure out what it meant, NO, at least a month. I analyzed my feelings in perfect silence never letting on that I was going through personal turmoil. By December I knew I had fallen out of love with my husband and was learning all the reasons why. I confronted him with it and tried to explain that I didn't want out but the opportunity to bring to light all the problems I had with our marriage and see how we needed to address it. He listened to me with what appeared to be hurt and empathy - it seemed - hope. Little did I know, that at that point, I had opened the door to a whirlwind of chaos and, a lot of suspicions I had about my husband were brought to light. I don't just mean things he was hiding from me, but also things about him that I had been blinded to due to the unfailing love I once had for him. He was my first love. My first everything. I hate to say that I regret it all now, but I have to say, he got me - he got me good.