I Guess We'll Call This a Diary of My Relationship

I know, it's hard to read a blog and especially when each blog is another piece of the puzzle, but bare with me. This is personally cathartic for me. Sometimes it is difficult to deal with a situation. Your past becomes your own personal prison. If you put your troubles out their for the world to see, you release a little part of what you've been keeping cooped up inside of you...at least for me. (I wouldn't recommend this for every situation or for everybody.) If you're hear to listen, I'm here to talk.
Some of what I will write of will be disturbing...yes twisted. I was told by my therapist that my ex seemed like a text book version of an individual suffering from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

Okay...
So, what does that mean?...

• Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder generally believe that the world revolves around them. This condition is characterized by a lack of ability to empathize with others and a desire to keep the focus on themselves at all times. According to Psychology Today: PsychologyToday.com 

I really want to write another blog encompassing the reasons why I believe her indirect diagnosis may have been spot on the money. He truly exhibits all 'symptoms' of NPD. I think the most important thing to note here is that nearly all people who read up on NPD feel they have at one point encountered an individual with NPD; however, individuals with NPD are very good at masking their personality, so it's generally not just a selfish person. They love to be revered and admired, so, they are good actors. I don't know how many times I watched my husband become a different person right in front of me depending upon the company he kept. If someone wasn't playing by his rules, he'd quickly insult them as deep as he could and then treat them like trash (punish them). By definition an individual suffering from NPD lacks all remorse and is not very familiar with the emotions of others. He is baffled by it. (Which explains why he didn't understand simple interpersonal interactions between people during some movies we would watch. I almost always had to pause the movie to explain the situation. He would shrug it off and then we'd continue.)

But I digress...


I hope in writing this current blog, I am able to help others. There are a number of things that I overlooked during my relationship with my ex, which I wish I could have acknowledged so many years ago. It's easy to say that now. His grasp on me was sneaky at least from my point of view. My extreme guilt for wishing to leave my relationship was replaced by anger, fear and disgust. I have accepted my past life. I still struggle with the "should haves" from time to time, but with everyday it gets easier and I grow stronger. I hope you enjoy reading my blog and feel free to leave comments.

When I Realized it Was Over

I was 25 and one the verge of a nervous breakdown. I can't remember exactly if it was October or November when I had the epiphany, as it was almost 3 and 1/2 years ago now. I was very unhappy and had gained a lot of weight. Yes, I was in financial ruin (A story which I will expound upon in the future), but that wasn't the answer to my depression...there was something more...
I thought I was loosing my mind. Here I was a college graduate with a Degree in Biology and I felt as if though reality was slipping away from me. The source of my assumption that I was going crazy was...my inner voice...every morning. There was a question that was a regular part of my morning routine; however, not prompted by any one action or point in time. I guess you could say, it would just pop up. The question was, "What is it that I want?" Okay. I know what you're thinking - What a selfish question? .... Well, if you weren't, I was. This question popped into my head every morning for nearly a year, then one day (either Oct or Nov as I have established), I answered it:

"I don't want him anymore."

I think I remember standing there with the blood rushing to my head. The feeling wasn't one of excitement but of fear and shame. I didn't want to be with my husband anymore. My epiphany was just that: a moment of clarity. I don't remember the day exactly, what I did or how it panned out, but I do know that it took several days to figure out what it meant, NO, at least a month. I analyzed my feelings in perfect silence never letting on that I was going through personal turmoil. By December I knew I had fallen out of love with my husband and was learning all the reasons why. I confronted him with it and tried to explain that I didn't want out but the opportunity to bring to light all the problems I had with our marriage and see how we needed to address it. He listened to me with what appeared to be hurt and empathy - it seemed - hope. Little did I know, that at that point, I had opened the door to a whirlwind of chaos and, a lot of suspicions I had about my husband were brought to light. I don't just mean things he was hiding from me, but also things about him that I had been blinded to due to the unfailing love I once had for him. He was my first love. My first everything. I hate to say that I regret it all now, but I have to say, he got me - he got me good.