I Guess We'll Call This a Diary of My Relationship

I know, it's hard to read a blog and especially when each blog is another piece of the puzzle, but bare with me. This is personally cathartic for me. Sometimes it is difficult to deal with a situation. Your past becomes your own personal prison. If you put your troubles out their for the world to see, you release a little part of what you've been keeping cooped up inside of you...at least for me. (I wouldn't recommend this for every situation or for everybody.) If you're hear to listen, I'm here to talk.
Some of what I will write of will be disturbing...yes twisted. I was told by my therapist that my ex seemed like a text book version of an individual suffering from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

Okay...
So, what does that mean?...

• Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder generally believe that the world revolves around them. This condition is characterized by a lack of ability to empathize with others and a desire to keep the focus on themselves at all times. According to Psychology Today: PsychologyToday.com 

I really want to write another blog encompassing the reasons why I believe her indirect diagnosis may have been spot on the money. He truly exhibits all 'symptoms' of NPD. I think the most important thing to note here is that nearly all people who read up on NPD feel they have at one point encountered an individual with NPD; however, individuals with NPD are very good at masking their personality, so it's generally not just a selfish person. They love to be revered and admired, so, they are good actors. I don't know how many times I watched my husband become a different person right in front of me depending upon the company he kept. If someone wasn't playing by his rules, he'd quickly insult them as deep as he could and then treat them like trash (punish them). By definition an individual suffering from NPD lacks all remorse and is not very familiar with the emotions of others. He is baffled by it. (Which explains why he didn't understand simple interpersonal interactions between people during some movies we would watch. I almost always had to pause the movie to explain the situation. He would shrug it off and then we'd continue.)

But I digress...


I hope in writing this current blog, I am able to help others. There are a number of things that I overlooked during my relationship with my ex, which I wish I could have acknowledged so many years ago. It's easy to say that now. His grasp on me was sneaky at least from my point of view. My extreme guilt for wishing to leave my relationship was replaced by anger, fear and disgust. I have accepted my past life. I still struggle with the "should haves" from time to time, but with everyday it gets easier and I grow stronger. I hope you enjoy reading my blog and feel free to leave comments.